


to all the boys i've loved before

by doizens



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before Fusion, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Inspired by To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Slow Burn, jaemin is your best friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:15:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doizens/pseuds/doizens
Summary: I keep my letters in a teal hatbox my mom bought me from a vintage store downtown. They aren’t love letters that someone else wrote for me; I don’t have any of those. These are ones I’ve written. There’s one for every boy I’ve ever loved—five in all.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Reader, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/You
Kudos: 8





	1. intro: the letters

My letters were my most private possessions. I wrote them when I had a crush so strong I couldn't hold it in. So, instead of confessing, I wrote a letter entailing all my deepest feelings. Not as a way to fuel my emotions for them; they're more of a goodbye. When I don't want to be in love anymore, I write a letter. I write as they'll never hear these thoughts because they never will.

There are 5 letters in total.

First was Chenle from my church. We met in the youth program during the summer when I was 10. He would sing in the youth group band and after hearing him sing, I wondered if he liked to sing in the shower like me.

My second letter was to Mark. As in my brother's best friend and my next-door neighbor Mark. Messy, but before he was Johnny's best friend, he was my first boyfriend. Well, boy space friend. We would spend every day of the summer before 7th grade together eating pizza and Italian ices in his treehouse. It was days like those where I'd go home and dream about his hand holding mine.

The third was Jeno, my biology lab partner in 8th grade. Jeno was a wrestler and his muscular arms caused my pubescent pheromones to go psycho. His smile was one thing I would go to school with a fever for.

Then there was Jaemin, my best friend now. I wrote to him in 9th grade after he was my first kiss during a game of spin the bottle (of soda). But now we're attached at the hip and I couldn't live without him. This is why I'm thankful I decided to give up on him and his soft lips that tasted like cherry.

The last and final letter was to Donghyuck Lee. Donghyuck and I met on the school overnight ski trip for the sophomore class last year. We spent the night talking about our deepest thoughts and cracking jokes about them after Jaemin ditched me for Alexandra Davis (with semi permission from me) and Hyuck's best friend, Renjun, had hung him out to dry as well. He made me laugh more than anyone ever did.


	2. they're out

"Jaemin showed up to my house the day before school starts like he does every year. Except this time, he had newly dyed blonde hair and a  _ letter _ . He lets himself in while I'm upstairs cleaning my horribly messy room.

"So...when were you going to tell me you were in love with me?" Jaemin's leaning against my doorway, smirking and holding up an envelope. That can't be...

Oh my god, it is.

I feel faint, I actually might just faint right here into my hamper full of dirty clothes. And part of me wants to because, god, if I don't I'm not sure I'll know how to get myself out of this one.

"Just to let you know, I changed my lip balm. I use watermelon now." I shudder and he throws the letter on my bed. "That was from freshman year. I don't feel that way about you anymore, like at all." He giggles and then smiles his perfect Jaemin smile. "Okay."

"No seriously. That letters from 9th grade, which now is like a lifetime ago, and I have none of those feelings for you."

"It's okay ____, I believe you," he lays on my bed grinning like a Cheshire cat. He is tearing this up, digging a hole, and living in it. I grab the letter from my bed quick and throw it on my desk before Jaemin can turn over and read the letter in front of me. Which would definitely make me pass out, and hopefully hit my head on my bedpost. I sit at my desk to block it out of his view.

Sighing, I say, "you know it's not cool that you went through my stuff to find that." Jaemin sits up eyebrows furrowed, "I didn't go through your stuff ____, I wouldn't do that."

I turn around in my chair to look at him. "So then how did you get the letter?"

"In the mail like a normal person?"

Realization isn't a pretty feeling in a situation like this. Jaemin stares at me confused while I run to my closet looking for the teal hatbox my mom gave me. It's sitting on the top shelf of my closet next to an old shoebox. I tiptoe to bring it down. I untie the ribbon holding the lid onto the box to open it.

_ It's empty. _

"I'm going to be sick, like genuinely sick." This can't be happening. not to me at least. Junior year is the most important year in your life. As if the rest of your life is hanging on these next 9 months, and there is no way this is how I start it out.

"What? Did you lose something of your mom's?" Jaemin exchanges his shit-eating grin for a worried glare.

"No, there were more letters. They're all gone."

Jaemin scoffs and lays back on the bed. "Wow, just when you think you're special to a gil-" I interrupt him with a well-deserved pillow to the head. "This isn't funny Jaem. This is bad like really bad."

I try to organize the floor next to my bed hoping to organize my thoughts along with my clothes. "Okay, well mine was the most recent one though right?"

I stare at him blankly. "No, there was another one after you," I trail off, averting my eyes to my messy vinyl collection. "And 3 before you."

"Holy shit," he props himself up on his elbow and rubs his eye. "How did you like so many people?"

"I started writing them when I was 10, okay. It's not like I get a new crush every 3 months." I go through my vinyls, arranging them by alphabetical order. "Well, who's the most recent?"

"Donghyuck Lee."

Jaemin covers his mouth and snickers. "No way you liked him. How long ago was this?"

"Last December. During the ski trip, when you decided to leave me alone to go make out with Alex in the hot tub." I turn my head to shoot him a glance that should say, "I don't forgive you for that." Jaemin stands up from my bed and helps me clean, like he normally does, by putting all my clothes in my hamper. I let him though, it helps to clear my floor. My hamper is now almost half my size and I bet 2/3 of it have only been worn once. "Can you blame me? She's hot." He shrugs folding a shirt of his that had been under my bed for months. "I'll be taking this back home," He says lowly to himself.

"Yeah, and I was alone, but that's not the point." I pull the sheets up on my bed and flatten them out. Jaemin takes that as an invitation to lay back down and I have to pick his head up to put my pillows in their correct places. "The point is, Renjun did the same to Donghyuck so we hung out in his room for the night and just talked," I say it like it meant nothing but in-fact it meant so much more.

I've never talked to someone like how I talked to Donghyuck that night. Not even Jaemin. It felt like I had known him my whole life. Maybe it was just the 7 hour drive, or the sleep deprivation of Jaemin making me stay up the night before to play 8ball, but I couldn't help but think how nice it would be to kiss him in the middle of his sarcastic jokes, just to see how he tastes.

Jaemin managed to grab glasses off of the shelf next to my bed and was now wearing purple heart-shaped sunglasses. He lowered them just enough so I could see the top of his eyes staring back at me. "Just talking huh?" He smirked. Of course, his mind would go to that. It seems like that's all he ever thinks about.

I grab another pair of quirky sunglasses and hit him on the head with them. "Yes, just talking," I explained, "If we did do anything more than that I would've told you."

That is mostly the truth. I would've told him if we kissed or did anything else, but we didn't. And Jaemin isn't exactly a laid back type of friend. If he doesn't like a guy that I'm into...he makes it known. Which is mostly the reason why I didn't tell him about the letters...or the subjects of them.

"Sure, for the same reason you didn't tell me about the love letters?" His tone is kidding but his raised eyebrow tells me he's genuinely concerned about whether I would've told him. "That's different, Jaem." I walk over to my hanging chair and clear off all the mess on it, making space for myself. "How is it different?"

Johnny interrupted our conversation by swinging the door open. "Dinners ready, Dad tried to make Samgyeopsal so when you try it...just say its good." I nod used to the attitude towards my father's cooking.

My dad usually doesn't cook. It's mostly my older sister, Ingrid, or my older brother, Johnny, who cooks for my younger sister Sophie and I. But I'm guessing since Ingrid left for college a couple weeks ago and Johnny starts his senior year tomorrow, he wanted to do something special for us. In comes the Korean food, that his mom never taught him how to make and my mom didn't have the chance to before she died, so we're stuck with what we get.

"You staying for dinner?" Johnny looks at Jaemin. "Uh no, I have to go see my mom actually." His eye dart between Johnny and me. "I should probably get going then." Jaemin pushes himself off of my bed and grabs his folded shirt from my desk.

He leaves the letter.

Some part of me wants to offer to go with Jaemin to visit his mom, she's in a psych ward, but I doubt that it's my place. Jaemin's not one to show any weakness around anyone. It's hard for me to get him to open up and I'm the person he trusts the most. To be at peace and content with himself, he needs people to see him as cheerful and positive. Vulnerable doesn't fit into that box.

Dinner was...okay to say the least. Johnny was right, the Samgyeopsal really was not good. Like at all. But it was edible enough to scarf down when it was accompanied by the Kimchi my aunt makes for us and the rice Sophie helped make. It was lonely without Ingrid there though.

Ingrid and Johnny were the ones to keep up the conversation and jokes at the dinner table, as my dad wasn't much of a talker. But with Ingrid gone, Johnny's jokes get played out pretty quick. Soon enough, we were eating in silence and the memories of all the letters and what I wrote in them came flooding back.

I was finishing up getting dressed from my shower when I felt Jaemins letter burning holes into my back. All decorated in pink and white glitter, Jaemin's favorite colors, hearts, and animal crossing stickers. I picked it up and held it in my hands. It's heavier when you know the person who was never meant to read this has read it. The Tom Nook sticker holding it closed had been ripped open, except it already had been dry enough to come off easily. I couldn't help but to open it and see.

There it was, almost staring right back at me.

I pull it out of its envelope and glitter falls onto my floor. God, why did I have to be so extra as a 14 year old? I open it and familiar handwriting greets me like an old friend.

_ Dear Jaemin <3, _

_ for all intents and purposes, you are mine. my best friend, my favorite person, and my first kiss. you taste like cherry, did you know that? but then again knowing you, you probably put on cherry chapstick right before we played, didn't you? 'cause you like that song by katy perry and you wanted someone to walk out of there dangerously into the way you taste. but i bet you didn't know it'd be me. i wish we could just run away together, move to canada, live in vancouver or toronto. we could get matching tattoos, i know you've always wanted a tattoo. i never have, but for you i'd sacrifice that piece of skin if it meant i could carry you with me always. _

My stomach twisted into knots at the idea that Jaemin read this and giggled to himself at how corny this was. But to 14 year old me, this letter was everything I needed it to be.


End file.
